Episode 3
Well, here we go again, I have to attend a meeting up at the hall with gran again to tell me to attend a meeting in the afternoon with Spearsay at the police training centre. What’s the worst thing that could happen, not much I thought bar retirement. I was getting pretty fed-up riding Casey’s pony and doing all the dirty work and then getting made to clean up all their dirty work. I had made my mind up to take a stand for justice, integrity and professional honesty. This whipping boy attitude was getting me nowhere and why should I stand for it. That’s what I was thinking lying in my bed in my beautiful cottage.
In reality I knew I was daydreaming and the next stage in gran’s task was coming on board. So, I needed a sweetener, I then remembered Peter the pilot had a few boxes of duty-free cigars he had bought for me on his last flight. So, I decided to give him a call and ask if he could drop them off for me when out and about in his taxi. I had 10kgs of soap powder as a swap because he had an interest in fixing washing machines. It was when he was doing his technical exam for his pilot’s license and his washing machine broke down at the exact same time. Peter being a miserable Yorkshire lad asked the lecturer how to fix it as cheaply as possible, this gave him a sideline in repairing washing machines which now includes dishwashers.
Peter’s phone was now ringing and I always knew he could be driving a customer to the airport so he would call me back. I took my mobile into the toilet because fate would always intervene and the moment, I sat down he would call me back. I decided to brush my teeth and then get undressed and do the toilet before I stepped into my shower. Strange, he hadn’t called me back and my mobile was showing everything was working, maybe he had his mobile on silent. I gave him a few minutes before I stood in my large whirlpool bath that had a fixed shower head above the far end. Everyone always asked why I had a fixed shower head rather than an adjustable pole type. It all comes down to my family who like to fiddle with things. If it’s fixed, they generally don’t touch it which means it rarely gets broke but if its adjustable they generally pull it off the wall and I have to fix it back on.
Anyhow, Peter had not called back so I jumped into the shower and left my phone on the window sill. No sooner had I got in the phone began ringing and I tried to answer it. The moment I took hold of it, it shot out of my hand and onto the toilet seat and landed down the outside of the toilet pan. I knew this would happen because of McQuaid syndrome, I would always try and save time which usually came back to haunt me. I was lucky that I took that fire brigade Feng Shui course which meant I always left the toilet seat closed. I finished showering and decided to get dressed before attempting to retrieve my mobile and take up my role as a receptionist.
I was now set to move into my communication mode and ring back who had called me because it wasn’t Peter. The strange native voice on the other end said “I’m Jimmy, (foreign accent) I’m here to help you build your new pest control website site”. I replied “I’m just out of prison”. Jimmy replied “What were you in prison for?” I replied “I murdered a guy who was annoying me from a call centre, ten years ago”. It works everytime, the phone line goes dead and they bar me and then I bar them. When I was on the call Peter tried to call me which is another thing that always happens to me. I called him back and he was telling me he was on his way and the cigars were in the boot. We firefighters always have everything on the pump in case we need it, so this discipline is installed in our vehicles.
Coffee was now the order of the day because Peter and I would be having a nice chat regarding anything of interest. Peter’s neighbour was an MSP who had recently split from his wife and they always spoke to each other over the fence. Peter could get him cheap flights and he would receive cheap parliament wine and chocolates as a kick back plus any gossip doing the rounds before it hit the newspapers. This meant our Monday drill nights consisted of gossip hour at start of shift.
My front door went and I knew Peter had left his taxi outside the main gates and used the side gate. This meant he had a fast getaway if an expensive hire came in. He once got caught inside the estate and the gates wouldn’t open so he lost a good hire and he has never forgot the money he lost. I opened the door and Peter came in holding the cigars and looking about the hall. He was looking for the soap powder and wouldn’t let go of the cigars till one hand was touching the soap powder. I led him into my living room where he spied the soap powder and the transaction was done but not complete, he then left for the taxi to dump the laundry powder in the boot and lock it. He then came back in and so did I with the biscuit barrel before I poured our coffee. Peter’s hand got caught in the barrel by trying his old Houdini trick which involved grabbing as many biscuits as possible then trying to remove his hand from the barrel without dropping even a small biscuit. It was beautiful to watch because any hand could only remove 4 biscuits no matter how hard one tried. He takes his coffee as black as his soul and I take it white or black but with Peter, I always take it black because I need to focus on everything, he makes a tantalizing point of.
Chapter 2
We both sat down and Peter was telling me civil servants will be getting a lecture from human design consultants which involves Vedic philosophy to create a unique energetic blueprint for individuals. The Scottish Government wants to educate us on how we appear to do our work and give value for money. I was thinking if they left us alone and stopped funding all these meaningless courses then real value would instantly reveal itself. Then I asked him the real reason and who would benefit money wise. Okay, it’s all to do with wee Derek, who got sacked from the government. He couldn’t get a job so he set up his own consultancy firm and the government has handed him a nice little earner by providing his firm with a big contract. It means his team will be doing the rounds and giving out advice in how to give the public value for money. It will mean a full day in the station midweek and maybe time and a half because we will lose a day’s part-time earnings.
Anything else happening, because I have to go up to the hall and see gran about last week. What happened last week? Sure, that stag antler protruding from the van and all those slabs gave cause for concern. If they can prove I did it then my special job will be removed and they might even try and get me to pay for the damage. Peter answered “Well, if you get pulled in now (weekend) then you will be fine because formal disciplines are all carried out mid-week Infront of a board because I have had a few with the airlines”. I think I have to nip in and see Spearsay the Assistant this afternoon and that’s the reason I want the cigars. A little bird told me he is fond of a glass of cognac and a luxury cigar after a hard day at the training centre and last week I gave him a very hard day. So, on your next trip, can you get me a bottle of cognac, for him or me. Peter answered “I thought you don’t drink”? “I don’t but I may need to if the truth comes out about what we are up to”. Peter asked “What are you up too”? “I’m not up to anything it’s all gran’s doing but it will all come out in the wash, that’s why I gave you the soap powder” I Replied. We burst out laughing and Peter headed for his taxi and I headed up to the hall with my eyes down for a full house.
It was a nice crisp Saturday morning and the sun was shining on the entrance door which was a lovely colour of blue with a bit of glass with our coat of arms etched on it and white pvc around it. There was very little sounds coming from the trees because there wasn’t any wind even the wind turbines were stationary on the far away hills. The carpark was empty bar gran’s old Range Rover that only seemed to move when it went for the weekly shopping or yearly Mot. This meant she probably wasn’t ready for me and gave me a chance to ring the old fashion doorbell which fascinated me. It was a large circle of brass with (Press) around top and a brass button in the middle. The moment I pressed it; it made a rasping ringing noise that continued until I released the button. It drove gran nuts if one pressed it more than once so I always pressed it twice.
The moment she opened the door she shouted “stop ringing my bell” her face had narrowed and her eyes were small and focused with the words “get in” then she took a look both ways outside to cleanse her curiosity. She wasn’t fully dressed which meant she was angry and I had messed up her structure of the morning. I went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and grab some biscuits. I looked about for my furry friends but they were nowhere to be seen. I had caught everyone on the hop and it meant I had to make myself comfortable before everything would slowly return to normal.
The living room was still the same as the night before and the tea table wasn’t set for our meeting. I knew I was in for a double headache, one from gran and one from later on. I decided to move to plan two and reach for the paracetamol and a double dose was on the cards. Next to the chair was an elegant coffee table with a pen and pad on it so I happened to glance over it and I had to take a double take because the name Spearsay stood out. Next thing I knew I was holding the pad and reading everything on it which amounted to me attending a meeting with him at 1pm today to discuss a ton of slabs and an embedded antler in a van’s radiator. This was handy to know because it meant I could think up a plausible answer.
Gran came in with her hair in a towel and said “What do you think of that then, Spearsay has some questions to put to you and I want to know your answers”? I replied “Of course you do, I will just say you and Magic are up to no good and I have to take the rap for him. (Gran’s face was a picture and the bemused looked said it all) No, only kidding you on, I will say I know nothing of the antler and someone donated the slabs or copping stones for the training centre’s front garden. If he presses me on the reindeer case then I will say Deepfry must have left the gate opened when we left and the reindeer walked in and took an instant dislike to the police van. Anyway, I might even resign because I’m getting fed up with all this carryon”. Gran quickly replied “No you will not because I have spent days working this all out and you will have to stand at the big discipline event in a few days and save Magic’s career, then you will be resigning and not before, do I make myself clear”? “Okay whatever you say, I’m off now, to get ready for the meeting”.
Chapter 3
Away I went down the driveway again thinking about my plan of action and how I would word my perfect answer to all the questions I would have to face. It was still early morning so I decided to take a walk around the grounds to let nature blend my emotions and take in petrichor. This moist nature smell makes me think of when I was three years old because of the earthy and fresh smell when I used to hide from gran in the wet bushes and she would come and try and find me. It was the only time in my life when I saw my biological mother and heard her speak. Nothing has the ability to rewind my memory to that time of my life bar this smell when conditions are right.
Today had the perfect conditions for me to relapse back to the very day my mum paid us a visit. I was trying to recall what she was saying to gran and it involved another pilgrimage she had to attend. She said she had to seek penance because of engaging in wrongdoing and performing bad actions in her life. The Archangel Michael had come to her in a dream again and told her she would need to spend the rest of her life on a desert island with an old monastery on top of the mount. There would be a tall heart-less man to greet her and take her to her final resting place, where with soul-searching and prayers would be the order of the day. I did feel very sad for her and not a day would go by that I and my brothers would think about her.
It was now clear that reminiscing the past had given me the clues to work on and fit another piece to our family jigsaw. I was now desperate to get back to my cottage and nip Googles brain to see if this desert island even existed. My walk turned into a jog and before I knew it, I was running to seek this Devine Intervention. This angel Michael was running or ruining all of our lives and we didn’t even know it. The moment I got in, I headed straight for the laptop, fired it up and went and made a strong cup of black coffee because new developments were upon us or me because I had an idea gran knew more than she let on.
With coffee in hand, I sat down and switched off my phone and put the walkie-talkie to silent. Nothing was going to disturb me, not even a war because I was determined to seek knowledge. After I had bumped in all the things mum had said Google came up with one place and it was an island called Saint Michael’s Mount way south in England. This place ticked all the boxes and meant I would need to understand as much as possible about it and explore its history.
It stated that the Mount is named for the Archangel (or Saint) Michael, who is said to have appeared to fishermen to warn them of danger. Because of this legendary apparition, the site became an important pilgrimage spot and before that was a trading post with Greeks for tin. If you head across the channel, just off the coast of Normandy, you’ll find another island abbey dedicated to St Michael. Around the time of the Norman conquest, the Cornish Mount was given to the Abbey of Saint-Michel because it supported William the Conqueror. Both were mediaeval pilgrimage sites with strong similarities and links, although Mont-Saint–Michel strikes a much taller figure.
According to Cornish legend, the Mount was built by the giant Cormoran, who would terrorise local towns and steal livestock. The story goes that Jack, a boy from Marazion, was the only one brave enough to face the giant. One night, he dug a trap for Cormoran, luring him out by blowing on a horn. The giant raced down the Mount and straight into the trap. Later tales of Jack the Giant Killer see him joining legendary King Arthur’s round table. St Michael’s Mount is just one of the UK’s 43 tidal islands that you can walk to from mainland Britain. Many other tidal islands are also connected to religious worship and spirituality, thanks to their unique, magical locations like Lindisfarne. Since 1954 It has been run by the National Trust which has thirty residents on the island. [In the late 19th century, the remains of an anchorite were discovered in a tomb within the domestic chapel]. This was the bit I was interested in and was mum now a hermit on the island and made to live a life of hell in the old monastery.
My curiosity was slowly waning and I decided to smarten myself up for my next adventure, the meeting with Spearsay. In the end nothing could compare to what I had just went through and a piss take would now be the order of the day.
Chapter 4
Off I drove in my Berlingo van which was nice and clean and so was I. My mind would keep diving back to Saint Michael’s Mount and I knew that sometime in the future I would also be driving back to that same Mount to seek answers to questions that would surely arrive. It was still a nice day and my mind was slowly releasing all the dopamine that had come rushing in. I could have been driving to my own execution and I still wouldn’t have bothered because my brain was in a state of contentment. Half my brain had been asking for answers and now it was slowly getting them bar the cigars which were still sitting in my living room.
As I drove in the gates of the centre I decided to park behind a luxury camper van which had a neat caption on the back of it. This caption read ‘Dick & Bell on tour again’. I remember gran calling Spearsay a clever Dick so I reckon his name is Richard and his wife is called Isobell and that was probably his camper van. He would have to meet me before he could switch off for the weekend and enjoy a few days away with his wife. It’s amazing how I can manage to work things out by understanding that human behaviour never changes. If everyone else could understand this then the world would be a very boring place to be involved in.
Well, the moment had come when I had to bite the bullet and enter the station, centre or training place. The moment I got in the guys were playing Dick Barton’s theme tune called the Devil’s Gallop. Before I had the chance to ask where Spearsay’s office was, they all pointed to the stairs. Away I went with my tail between my legs and managed to find his office because it was at the start of the corridor. I chapped the door and a voice shouted “Come in”. The moment I got in a conniving smiling rat like Spearsay said “It’s great to see you in the flesh, I have heard so much about you”. I replied “Cut the crap, we both know the reason why I’m summoned and everything you say will be transcript to Magic via gran”. Spearsay replied “Yes, Magic your identical brother of the same rank as me. Do you know he took my promotion and I had to wait another year before I got the big job”.
I replied “My heart weeps, maybe it was because he was a better candidate than you”.
He nearly jumped down my throat and then paused and said “I was warned that you would try and wind me up and make me say something that I later regretted”. He then walked over to his window where a small row of tomato plants was cultivating on the south facing window sill. Looking out the window I knew exactly where his beady eyes were fixed and it was on my Berlingo van. “I have been studying the CCTV of the night the damage was done to one of our vans and noticed the Berlingo boys jumping in a small van and speeding away”. He remarked and I replied “I wonder who that could be”. He answered “It was you and your pal, you left us a ton of second-hand slabs, a one antler reindeer and a radiator with an antler protruding from it”. I replied “Did I, I can’t remember, maybe it was one of my identical brothers and the police have got it in for me”? He replied “For your sake, higher up the chain of command were saying exactly the same thing. Forensic were saying that someone hacksawed the antler off the dumb animal and the saw was in the back of the van. How do you think that could happen”? I replied “It beats me, I know reindeers are clever or Santa would never rely on them to pull his sleigh”.
Spearsay knew he was getting nowhere so decided to try a different tactic and ask about the slabs and what was he to do with them. I told him to use them for decorative purposes in the centre’s garden because the owner of them doesn’t want them back again and Magic will be back again as he has just received his letter regarding a formal discipline. This made his day and a massive smile came across his face and I had obviously got his tiny brain working overtime. Rubbing his hands together he said “I have got my bum felt over all this carry on”. I answered it wasn’t by a young blonde called Marilyn by any chance”. He replied “Her name doesn’t ring a bell but it will next week”. He patted me on the back and showed me to the door as I had just made his day and he was now smiling like an idiot.
I made my way back downstairs and the guys were asking how it went. I told them the words Scot and Free came to mind and we would be back for the finally in a few days. With a marker I added head, end and sex to the camper van’s caption then jumped in my van. I was now in text mode to Remy the roofer to acquire a small green plant that looked like a tomato plant because I would need it at my next meeting which would be formal. Spearsay then came out still smiling profusely and jumped into his camper van on his travels again, only this time it resembled a pervert’s convention. When he found out what I had wrote he would be gunning for me.
I would then play the part of Percy Thrower and switch the plant then get Deepfry to play the part of a concerned member of staff to call the flying squad about drugs on the premises. It meant that after I had been booted out the door, Spearsay would be interrogated and deny all knowledge of it and say it had been planted. It was all rather fun to them but not so for me, I call it distraction mode. Set up many small distractions that take time this means no one can actually focus on the real issue of the day, me being named and shamed then tossed on the compost heap.
Chapter 4
Thank heavens that was over and I had a nice relaxing drive back home before the vigil mass at 4,30pm. With the shortage of priests, the mass plays the game of pass the parcel. It used to be 5pm then the priest would have to cover another parish and it would get moved to 4pm. Later on, something else would arise and the mass got moved to 4,30pm and the priest would be quicker with the service. Like everyone else in life, priests were heading for burn out, which had a detrimental effect on their health and everyone who tried to help them run the parish.
The moment I got in the cottage the walkie-talkie sounded, it was gran asking how it went. I said it went fine and I was going for a lie down before mass because I was exhausted. I set my alarm for 4pm and fell fast asleep because my head was so tired trying to cram in new facts and figures then trying to look into the future. No brain can take this all in without rest which meant I went out like a light. It seemed I was no longer asleep and my alarm was sounding telling me it was 4 pm already. I had to try and wake myself up by washing my face a few times and brushing my teeth. I was still dead beat but I knew I would get a rest up at church if I sat in the back row.
I slowly came round to living in the real world and headed for the door. Managed to make my way to my van and sat in the driver’s seat for a moment of rest and rejuvenation before I set off on the three-minute drive to church. The minute I got in the church I made for the sacristy to hopefully bump into father Bacon who was tasting the correct wine to use. I asked him for any update regarding the week that was. He answered by telling me to take a seat because there’s a long and winding road ahead for both of us.
We both sat down and he told me Ash (Bishop Brown) had been put on gardening leave because he had cut down a neighbour’s tree and now the diocese was in full investigation mode. The neighbour asked him to do it when he came back from the pub during the week and the next day had no recollection of even talking to Ash regarding the old tree. The tree suffered from sudden larch death and that was before his new battery chainsaw had touched the outer bark. It had caught larch disease which is caused by the pathogen Phytophthora ramorum. It can lead to the rapid decline and death of larch trees, and also impacts other species like beech and chestnut, as well as some woody ornamentals. In the UK, it's a major threat to larch plantations.
It looks to me that he did the guy a favour but where there’s blame there’s a claim, I don’t think the guy would be happy with a blessing unless it arrives in pound notes. Father Bacon agreed and went on to tell me that he will be standing in for him in the meantime. It meant I was now fully in charge of the sponsored walk that he had organized in a few day’s time. I had now been given a map and a chinagraph pencil to pencil in the best route to attend five different churches in our diocese. This meeting had now turned into a headache which was on top of the one I had before. I needed some word to come to my rescue and it hit me like a bolt out of the blue, sleep apnea.
I now headed to the back row with my map and pencil to study the route but before that I had to study the five sleeping disorders that were commonly talked about because I was going to inherit one in less than five minutes time. Reading through my phone about the five disorders I came up with narcolepsy which meant a condition characterized by an extreme tendency to fall asleep whenever in relaxing surroundings then I realized I wouldn’t be able to drive so I would need to tell folk I had sleep apnea. I then headed over to Mary Mission to tell her my good news and to look out for me because she would be sitting in the chair at the back of the church which was under Saint Joseph who is the Patron Saint of rest.
With everything complete a hymn from Isaiah 43:1-4 started playing called “Do not be afraid”. Ever since I was three years old, I heard my mother sing it on that fateful night and it automatically became my favourite hymn. We all started singing,
"Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name; You are mine."
"When you walk through the waters I'll be with you, You will never sink beneath the waves."
"When the fire is burning all around you, You will never be consumed by the flames."
"When the fear of loneliness is looming, Then remember I am at your side."
"When you dwell in the exile of a stranger, Remember you are precious in my eyes."
"You are mine, O my child; I am your father, And I love you with a perfect love."
Then I don’t remember much until the end of mass when Mary told me my head was nodding like a donkey every time I sat back down. I told her the sleep apnea was catching up with me when I’m in a tranquil setting. On the way out I gave father Bacon the map which had the route all mapped out on it and headed back to the hall where gran was providing my dinner as well as an informal interrogation.
Chapter 5
I parked my van next to gran’s car because I didn’t have the strength to walk up to the hall. As before, I made the first step and the door opened with no one their bar gran hiding round the back of it. I didn’t even see her and made for the living room where my starter was already laid out, I was famished. I just wolfed it down and then she came in with my Saturday dinner, gammon steak and pineapple. The sweet was strawberries with cream, during the process she was asking me questions but I haven’t managed to talk and eat at the same time but I was working on it.
Let the interrogation begin I told her and she must have rhymed off half a dozen things for me to answer. I took a deep breath and began to answer them one at a time. The first question was the meeting which I told her went extremely well because Spearsay knew on Tuesday the big formal case will take place and I needed to know the procedure. Gran told me I had to attend the hairdressers that Magic attends on Monday where they will make my hair the exact same as his. Later on, I have to attend his dentist so they can fit a gold back tooth cover which matches his then I have to wear a suit of his that gran has specially prepared. Now that I had my uniform the next stage of the deception involved a car.
Tomorrow morning, I had to depart from Glasgow on the first train to Aviemore and then take a taxi to Magic’s home again. This time I had to pick up his pride and joy car which was a green classic Capri and drive it to the Police Training Centre and park it in his space at the front gates so everyone coming in will see it on Tuesday. While I was up there, I had to dig the foundations for his new extension because no one can work the mini-digger. The builders were saying there’s an old culvert or drain passing through the foundations so they wanted to verify it with an archaeologist. This meant old Michael will be coming up as soon as his court case is over.
At the meeting on Tuesday morning, I have to say as little as possible so not to give the game away. I have to act out the persona of Magic and agree to everything they tell me that Marilyn had stated. At the end they will ask me to respond and all I say is that I will be resigning with immediate effect. No smiling just go through the motions and don’t try any jokes nor add anything to bring a smile to ever one’s face like I always do. Our life depends on you playing your part for the sake of all of us or I will be nursing Magic till the day he dies. What could possibly go wrong?
As I left the hall, I now had a bigger headache than before I entered the place. I didn’t even need to remember what the future held because gran had written down a list and before I left, I had to take a photo of the list so I couldn’t forget it. She also gave me a box in case of emergencies when I was traveling tomorrow. In the box was a satellite phone in case I couldn’t get a signal and I needed to call someone in an emergency. This was beginning to resemble a covert operation which I as leader needed to focus on every minute detail, no wonder my head was spinning.
Everyone I know have nice quiet weekends where they relax and take time out but our family seems to have adventure weekends. It resembles a row of dominoes where I and gran have to brace the first one or let the whole row collapse. Once in the cottage I decided to pack a bag and call Peter to see if he could give me a lift to the station in the morning. The moment I called Peter a text came back saying “I’m flying” which meant I would need to call Deepfry. The more I thought about it the more I realized that all I had to do was pick up Deepfry and drive to the station and let Deepfry drive the van back to his place. Deepfry being a mechanic meant he could look the van over and if it needed a service, he could order the stuff and we could do it at the drill night. Our retained station had a mechanic’s pit which is like a long trench which is great for changing exhausts and stuff.
With my kit bag in the van and my plan in place I could relax for the rest of the evening knowing I had nothing to worry about.
Next morning I was up at 6am and all ready to pick up Deepfry and head for the station. Deepfry came out looking like he had just fell out of bed and fell asleep on the front seat of the van. The roads were clear and it didn’t take long to get to the station where I let Deepfry jump over and head home or back to his bed again. The station was dead and I think there was less than seven trains waiting for passengers. My train was heading for Inverness and it would take about two hours depending on how many stations we would be stopping at. The moment I got onboard I decided to set my phone’s alarm in case I fell asleep. It meant I would be woken 20 minutes before we entered Aviemore, well that was my plan. In the end I never needed the alarm because I was so fascinated by the scenery. I had always travelled by car so the train ride had allowed me to focus on the landscape.
Chapter 6
Arriving in Aviemore was delightful, the air was nice and fresh. A taxi was waiting and whisked me away to Magic’s home in no time a tall. We even travelled over the small bridge and it was still missing the coping stones. Old JR was out the front cutting his hedge and was glad to see me. He was always happy to see a fresh pair of ears to discuss politics and global events. With me having access to many high achieving people he knew I was a fountain of knowledge. He even opened the taxi door for me so I could remove my kit bag.
I took JR into Magic’s place to show him the car I was to drive it back to gran’s place today. We both had a nosey about in his kitchen till we found the garage door key fob. Opening the door was like opening an Alladins cave with boxes full of nearly new stuff. The car even had a premium style car cover over it. We both removed the cover and starred at the limited edition 2.8 injection Ford Capri in Brooklands green colour. There was only about a thousand made and 500 still going. I guess it must be worth over £40k in today’s money. The battery was hooked up to a trickle charger to prevent it running flat so I removed the leads and jumped in. The moment of truth had arrived, was it going to start I thought. I shouldn’t have worried because it started first time and I drove it out onto the driveway at the front of the house.
JR and I then had a good look around it to see if anything was missing but it was like it just came out of the factory. With that stage complete we decided to go into Magic’s place for a tea break and discuss what was happening with the Government. Jr told me it was as dull as dishwater because they had no spare money in the kitty. They had spent all the remaining money on woke and trans gender issues. They were trying to create artificial human DNA from scratch and alter the 23 pairs of chromosomes to change the genetic instructions of a human genome. It seemed to me that they were trying to make cyberpeople and it will all end in tears. If it worked then it would save a fortune on the NHS because all we would need to do was fit a socket into our bellybutton and plug in a laptop to diagnosis what’s wrong with us.
Some strange animal appeared far away up the garden and old JR had spied it. He shouted Martin and ran out the patio door after it, clapping his hands. Then he darted into his own garden hot on its heels or paws for that matter. I later found out it was a Pine Martin and he blamed them for killing all the wild life in Scotland. I began to realise with not much to do means one makes their own fun by blaming dumb animals for natures destruction. They don’t seem to have grasped the first law of nature which is self-preservation and they kill each other to survive.
I then went round the side to attempt to start the mini-digger. I still had the foundations to dig out and I wasn’t looking forward to it. After an hour I came across the culvert that gran had told me about so I went next door to get a second opinion from JR. He came round and told me that it looks like an old entrance to the castle which stood at the top of the hill. It reminded me of a small archway made from old stones and must have been centuries old. Anyway, it was a good excuse for me to stop digging until we had an archeological report on the tunnel which meant I was good to go. Old Michael was coming up in his luxury camper van next week so he could deal with it.
With a smile on my face, I grabbed a pair of Magic’s cufflinks and locked the place up, waved goodbye to JR and headed for home again. Turned the old FM radio on and never got a signal. Grabbed a tape and pressed it in and it was about questions and answers for an upcoming interview. Tossed that out the car window and pressed in another tape which consisted of love songs. I was beginning to realise that Magic was a very strange guy who only lived in the minute. Nothing seemed to bother him, as long as he was having fun then the world could go to pot as far as he was concerned. I just switched the radio off, winded down the window and took a leisurely drive down the A9 again. Every car that drove past me starred at the old Capri because many folk had never seen one going or in such a good condition. This car was his pride and joy and he wouldn’t be too happy that I was putting miles on it but that’s life. The only thing missing from this car was a soft top. It had a hard sunroof which I could open but if I could take the roof off then it would be great.
Took a pit stop at a service station then I thought about putting fuel in it. Just before I did it, I thought for a moment and advised against it till I received further guidance on what fuel it takes. Went into the shop and bought some stuff and the guy behind the counter told me that I had to add some sort of fuel so the engine doesn’t get burnt out. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about but I’m sure Deepfry will get to the bottom of it because I had enough to get home. As I sat there, I called Deepfry to seek reassurance and he told me I had to add a 100mls of blender to every tank full of unleaded which he would pick up for me. I realized this is another headache just to have the privilege to drive a very old car.
Well, I got home and parked it next to gran’s RangeRover because the training centre can wait till Wednesday, then popped in to see her or get interrogated again. She opened the door smiling like Panda had got the cream because she could see the car was still in one piece and half her plan was now complete. We took tea in the living room again and both of us just couldn’t take our eyes off of Magic’s Capri. She asked how everything went and did I dig the foundations like she had told me to. I had to revert to Pareto’s Principle because 80% of the founds were dug but because of the culvert at the top end I had to miss it, until we get an archeological report.
I hadn’t even finished and she was on the phone to old Michael telling him everything that had happened and when he could manage to nip up there and write us a report. I loved the way she said when can you “nip up there” it was like it was five minutes away. He informed her he was on a love triangle case that involved a well-known celebrity. They had already lost a ship from loose lips on a train journey back home, so next weekend he would look it over. Gran asked how his young nice-looking intern was getting on and he told her she ticks all the boxes and rung off.
She turned back to me and I said “What does it all mean gran” She replied “Sit back angel and I will tell you a diamond anniversary of knowledge from my experience of human behaviour. There are two sides to the brain, one involves love and the other involves money. A female is wired for love and the male is wired for money. As a young woman grows up, she dreams of marrying a man who will take care of her and her children in later life. With this dream, her head continues to make dopamine so the dream continues. What she does not know is that we need experience to notice reality. She meets an older man in a high position and he takes her under his wing; he is usually married but the young naïve female is swept away with all the attention he is giving her. This attention is usually in the form of an affair and they grow closer and closer. At some point in the future, we reach a tipping point where the man may lose his position, become bankrupt or usually will not leave his wife.
This is when reality kicks in for the young female and all that love she had for him turns to hate. She will tell her parents, friends, bosses, boyfriend or even her husband that she has been groomed. The man has abused her and was just using her for sex he had no interest in marrying her. Then we get the split, either in a company, family or the best one for the media is politics. We are not interested in their politics but what we are interested in is what they have done to each other and who knew what. They will do everything to hide that fact that they were in bed together but there is no emotional power stronger than love and the opposite of love is hate. Once the female grows up and has experience of the outcome, she has a choice either to forgive the guy of live in bitterness and she usually chooses the latter which is great for the media. I call it Sid and Barbara syndrome and what a carry on because it doesn’t last more than ten years because the young female slowly matures and comes to her senses.
Ever since Cleopatra it continues to happen. More young girls grow up and more mature men get promoted and become rich which young females begin to idealise and the cycle continues.
Michael, remember uncle Godfrey who owned the hotel”? I answered “Yes, he was very rich, old, free and single as a pringle” Gran replied “Yes, remember all the young woman who would look up to him, it wasn’t for his looks but it was his fantastic brain, this brain had made him very rich and these young women wanted a part of it in the form of lifestyle. If this never continued to happen then old Michael would be out of a job and so would most of the lawyers in Scotland. Why do you think this young nice-looking intern is working with him”? I answered “Maybe she likes to get her hands dirty at weekends with him” Gran Replies “Exactly, He was hoping to get a high-profile politician in the dock to see if they would perjure themselves but it never happened. Instead, a book called ‘Blankly’ came out but it still doesn’t reveal an affair which is the only thing that makes sense, because always remember, love turns to hate, the moment she resides in London the English will send her home again to think again”.
Chapter 7
I left the hall no further forward and realized why I have never trusted woman since I was three years old. I must have heard mum and gran discussing what had happened and it scarred me for life regarding woman. I found it was very difficult to trust them where my heart was concerned. This may change as I still had to undertake the sponsored walk tomorrow that the church was organizing or me to be more precise. Besides my sleep apnea and my sore back from driving the Capri I was a walking miracle that I could even take part. This reminded me to call Remy to get a case of non-alcoholic wine, a nice green plant about two feet tall and cases of bottled water. He was handy to know because he worked in a soft drinks factory in Glasgow where he could get his hands on misspelt merchandise that came off the conveyor belt. Being misspelt, meant they had to bin it or give it away for free to their employees and Remy mysteriously ran their ground operations which broke when we needed a refill. I call it our just in time production.
Opened the door to my cottage and the stage was set for tomorrow’s run around the churches event. I lay on the couch and fell fast asleep and the next thing I knew it was 9pm. Remy had called and left a message saying all the stuff was now in our retained fire station and I could pick it up in the morning. Rest of the night was a blur and next thing I knew it was 8am in the morning. Father Bacon called not long after to tell me we would be leaving at noon from our church called Saint Michael’s and heading for the cathedral via some small parishes. On my way I was to pick up the beverages from the fire station and then head over to Saint Michael’s where we would have a toast and let the fun begun. Remy had left a range of small green plants and three of them would fit the bill perfectly.
After some toing and froing and repeat journeys, I made it in the nick of time. Father Bacon was on hand to raise a toast to the start of the walk. I immediately became sick because I had picked up the wine that has alcohol in it and had an allergic reaction but everyone else lapped it up. I realized that this was not going to be a nice leisurely walk once the alcohol kicked in. We had only reached the bottom of the hill and wine bottles were getting passed about like water bottles. Someone had managed to raid the watercooler and relieve it from all its throw away plastic cups. A mini bus was following us in case anyone got injured, couldn’t walk another step or drink another plastic cup.
Our first stop was a small church between ours and the cathedral and we lost a couple who had a fight and were now contemplating divorce. Another person had sunstroke or it had something to do with the case of wine he was carrying. He said it was too heavy and his only way to lighten the load was by drinking it. We never did find the empty 3 litre wine box because it ended up under the minibus wheels and kids were using it as a frisbee. After we had finished a box of crisps, we made for the cathedral.
We were now at the half way point and still had most of the participants. Some then left to watch a football match that was live on the TV but they had signed up some good football fans as sponsors. Father Bacon then told us some past stories about people getting lost and ending up hailing a taxi to make it home. By the way the wine was going down I feared some may not even make it home and I would be involved in their search and rescue mission. Onward and upward, someone shouted and we were off again to our next church on the map called Saint Francis.
Next to this church is an offsales and Mobility Marrydoll decided to treat it as a pitstop and drive in. She never even got in and knocked down someone coming out with her mobility scooter. All hell broke loose and the police were called because the woman on the ground suspected foul play. She accused Marrydoll of drink driving and demanded she be breathalyzed. I tried to explain that one can’t be charged with driving a scooter under the influence but to no avail. I decided to call old Michael who put me right that you can be prosecuted but they are not classed as motor vehicles which was good enough for me.
I told Marrydoll to put the foot down and leave the scene of the crime to father Bacon because someone had noticed the so-called victim who was none other than Compo Cate. She was always trying to sue someone to buy a carry-out. In the end we got a result, she settled for a few bottles of home-made wine which father had told her he had blessed. Now at St Francis we had to let a few more jump on the mini-bus. Some were struggling with their breathing and becoming light headed due to the sun beating down on us. Being a public holiday the roads were quiet so we could all stick together or hold each other up.
We were now on the home stretch and would glide past the next church which was on our way home. It was only really a mile away when we nipped through the allotments and helped ourselves to some summer berries. We could not eat and talk at the same time but all our talking had dried up and we all just wanted the walk to end. We had been at it for over 2 hours and the wine was beginning to ware off. Thirty minutes later and we entered the church hall, the walk was over and the tea and coffee was ready. Don’t think I have ever looked forward to a nice cup of strong tea and a piece of carrot cake in all my life.
Fairly soon the hall was buzzing and everyone had a story to tell after walking more than seven miles. All I wanted to do was head home and rest my back, it had been playing up again with all my manual work I was doing. On the other hand, Father Bacon was hopping like a rabbit from table to table trying to calculate how much sponsorship money was going to come in. Since he had arrived at our parish all our bank’s balance sheets were in the red and now, they had mysteriously transcended to black. On the next hand, the church temperature was like the North Sea and didn’t change no matter what season we were in. Scottish Gas were never away from the place wondering why no gas was getting burnt to heat the place and father told them he was not just saving souls but had turned his attention on saving the planet. I waved goodbye to team walk and headed home in my Berlingo van.
Chapter 8
It was now Tuesday and the hairdressers beckoned, for my new look. I was looking forward to all this pampering and attention I was getting, I felt like a VIP. In fact, I was a VIP in Magic’s eyes because I would have one up on him. He would have no choice but to play ball with me because I would have him by the balls for the rest of his life.
Power like money has a magnetic feeling and becomes a drug that one can be addicted to. My addiction will last until Wednesday afternoon when fantasy fails and reality kicks in but I will make hay while the sun shines.
First stop was the luxury hairdresser’s and I decided to take the Capri with me. I had to play the part in full so I could enjoy myself and didn’t even need to pay for the petrol as gran had given me his debit card. After my hair doo was over, I decided to drive back to my place and take the Berlingo for a spin, right to the garage and fuel it up to the top. Next step was drive down to Deepfry’s to take his pickup truck for a drive, like before, straight to the garage to fill up. After that I went to look for Remy who was helping his brother tile a roof nearby and like before I took his van for a ride straight to the garage to fill up. The way I saw it, these close mates were all taken part in this deception so they should be remunerated for it. Magic might not see it that way but he has no choice but to grin and bare it. I had 24 hours to bump his card all over the community of Hazel and I would be taking full advantage of it.
Next attendance was his dentist and before I sat down, they asked what karat of gold do I want the cover to be? I automatically went for 22 karat and asked if I could sell it back to them in the future. They had never had this request before and couldn’t give me a definitive answer. With the price of gold rising, it was like money in the bank, well my bank. I would be back in 24 hours to get it removed again and I would take it home to put under my pillow. The tooth fairy would arrive and swap it for over two grand because I already had a buyer for it. I thought, it’s a hard life but someone has to do it so it might as well be me. My next visitation was back to the hall to try on his suit and achieve his walk which gran was judging.
The minute I parked the Capri gran was outside the door to greet me. She had this smile on her face like she had won the lottery which meant I had succeeded in most of my task. In we went where she produced the suit, shoes and even the shirt and tie I was to wear tomorrow. I tried all the stuff on and she paraded me about in the living room like I was a Catwalk model. There she gave me instructions on how I was to walk and how I was to smile. After an hour I had perfected it and she took a recording of my performance on her phone to get Magic’s approval.
She would call me later about his response and now I was quickly shown the door, she had a webinar to attend and I was getting in the way. My head was buzzing and all I wanted to do was lie down but I couldn’t disturb my new hair doo so I had to wear a type of crash helmet thing which is designed to keep the hairstyle in place. One last thing I needed to do and that involved a small pair of white silk pants which were left after a Christmas party. So back to the station which was in the process of getting renovated so meant it had been closed for weeks and back home again. Made some black tea which I deliberately spilled on them and then placed them on the radiator to dry out and everything was ready for tomorrow.
Chapter 8
Next day I got up and was buzzing like a bee, at precisely 11am I had to attend the formal discipline and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I must have replayed the scene in my mind for hours so I would know what to expect in the real show. I decide to leave early with my Barrhead briefcase (a Lidl bag) which contained three green plants, an off-white pair of silk pants and a pair of black cargo trousers which were torn at the crotch. After a leisurely drive I decided to do a spot of internet shopping with Magic’s debit card. I remember Deepfry wanting us to buy some trolly jacks for the station and some other bits and pieces for our mechanic business which we undertook at the station. Any money we made went to charity, our charity that we had invented called the firefighters charity ball or Christmas party to be more precise. We had always had the best party in the brigade because it was totally free, even the taxi service, supplied by Peter the pilot.
Well, the moment of truth had arrived and I drove in and parked the Capri in his spot which was right at the front. The guys were telling me they were all waiting for me in the conference room so my stage was set. I disappeared through the back and up the emergency back stairs and right into Spearsay’s office and bid the swap and then dropped the bag out of his window and texted Deepfry to commence stage two. My covert operation was now complete and I returned the way I had just came. I told the guys I was at the toilet and then entered the lion’s den.
They were all their bar the chief, the deputy has to undertake this task in case anyone wants to appeal. After formalities they went through the evidence which consisted of exhibit A, an anorak, B, a bra, C, a cardigan, D, a denim skirt, E, earmuffs, F, frock and G, a gee string underwear. At this point I put my hand up and told them not to go through the alphabet, we all get the picture. They told the meeting all my DNA was found on these items and did I have anything to say. I told them that I was rapidly falling out of love with Marilyn which didn’t go down well. They then asked Marilyn if she had anything to say and she played her part to perfection, even managing to produce some crocodile tears so they all felt sorry for her. Then it was back to me and I told the meeting I will resign immediately and a big cheer came from Marilyn so I played my encore. I flung over Marilyn’s nearly white pants and told the meeting she left them in my car’s glove compartment. Then I told Spearsay the force’s uniform is crap and the baws are out of my new cargo trousers already and flung them over, which hit him square in the face and then left the meeting.
The moment I was out, I ran out the back fire exit and slide along the outside wall so the cameras couldn’t see me and picked up the carrier bag. Went back the way I had come and out the front door and jumped into the Capri. I was no sooner driving out the gates when all hell broke loose. There were operational squads coming from all directions and driving into the area’s headquarters or training centre as we call it. I parked up and walked back to see what was happening and the gates were being closed and personnel standing guard. The whole place was going into lockdown and I was lucky that I managed to get out.
I walked back to the car and then the calvary arrived, TV stations from all over the country were descending on the place like killer bees attacking a homewreaker well, nestwreaker. I came to think Deepfry had went a bit overboard and then the army’s surveillance van drove by, could only mean one thing, they would be scanning the place for bugs and hidden cameras. This place was beginning to look like Holyweed (Holyrood) as I call it, God knows what they all must be smoking in that place, judging by the ideas they come up with. Anyway, I was free and made my way back to the hall and then the chief drove by in a police car looking petrified.
After a pitstop at McDonald’s I decided to drive up to the hall where gran was waving me to come in and see the news. It was live from the now major incident at the training centre. There were rumours it was a drugs raid, listening devices were installed by gangsters, hidden cameras were hidden in the toilets, a cultivation cannabis factory and the best one was a massage parlour for their sex parties.
I burst out laughing and gran pleaded with me to tell her everything. The only thing I’m going to tell you is that Spearsay had it coming and he can kiss goodbye to becoming the deputy because his next rank will be a presenter of Beechgrove garden. I tried to call Deepfry, Remy and Peter but all their answerphones stated: I have now left the country on that long-awaited holiday and will be seeking salvation with the Dalai Lam.
